Ep033: How to Deal with Unfair Criticism

Note: This is a computer-generated transcript. That means it's pretty good, but not perfect. If you read something weird or confusing, first laugh, then use the time stamp to hop into the podcast to find out what I REALLY said. 🙂

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Welcome to another episode of Reflections of a Recovering Ugly Duckling, a podcast dedicated to helping you discover and develop your full potential as a unique individual. Each week's, I'll share my experiences, challenges, doubts, and fears, as well as the lessons I've learned that keep me moving forward toward my dreams. This is episode 33, and I'm your host, Donna Doyon. Once upon a time, there was a lovely 54 year old woman. She loved her job as a production supervisor for a small manufacturing company in southern Maine.

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She loved the challenge of working with different personalities and managing the workflow to ensure that customer needs were met. She loved creating faster or easier ways for her team members to perform their work. But for all that, she loved what she did. This woman was also mentally and emotionally drained each day at work. Sometimes the smile she wore on her face was just a mask.

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Sometimes all she really wanted to do was share what was on her mind. What was really on her mind. But she knew that would be inappropriate. She knew it would be unprofessional. And above all else, she always tried to act professionally.

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What caused this creative woman to experience such distress? Enter Cinderella's stepmother. Do you remember Cinderella's stepmother from the Disney cartoon? Cinderella could never do anything right. The stepmother loved her own daughters and didn't give an ounce of credit for what Cinderella did for the household.

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It was never enough. If Cinderella finished one task, she was immediately expected to tackle the next one. There were no days of rest for Cinderella. There were no moments of recognition or celebration. There were just failed expectations over and over and over again.

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Unfortunately, the lovely woman in this story is not Cinderella. She doesn't have that exuberant spirit and the animals and the birds that sing to her to make her life happier even in the midst of all of that criticism. No, the woman in this story, she cares about what she does and what other people have created and accomplished in her workplace. It upsets her when praise is freely given to the other departments ugly stepsisters, but none is given to people in her own department. And I think everyone knows that when you live with criticism day in and day out, week in and week out, there's no chance to live happily ever after.

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Dealing with unfair criticism, that's the topic for today. Because most of us have experienced it in one form or another. It may be in our workplace, it may be at home. It may be in our neighborhood or our community. Unfair criticism breaks people's spirits.

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It leaves us feeling like there's no reason to bother trying. Because no matter how much we succeed, no matter what changes we make, no matter how much we accomplish, it's never going to be good enough. And when you keep hearing that over and over and over again, eventually your givea darn just breaks and you can't dig deep enough to find it. I am at that point in my workplace, and granted, I'll be honest, very rarely do I experience this type of criticism directly, but I hear it happening to the people that I work with, the people that I care about, the people that I see making great improvements for this company. And it breaks my spirit because it's breaking theirs.

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And so we all are starting to really have this horrible, sucky, don't give a darn attitude. And that's not a healthy place to work in. It's not a healthy environment to live in if you're experiencing that type of criticism at home. But there are some things we can do about it, some things we can do to bolster ourselves up so that we can survive these unjustified and unprovoked attacks. Because that's how it feels.

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After a while, it feels like I'm being attacked, my co workers are being attacked, my team members are being attacked. Because no matter what we do, it's never good enough. And you have to love it when criticism comes out as what should be a compliment, right, those backhanded compliments. On a personal level, it could be something, wow, you look really good in that dress. If you lost £10, it would look even better.

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That's really not a compliment, is it? And when you hear that often enough, you don't even want that person to give you any compliments, because somehow you always walk away with your feelings being hurt. And in my work place, it's the same type of thing. We don't want the boss to notice any of the changes we've made because it's never good enough. We can take what we have worked so hard on and made some significant progress in improving our productivity, our workflow, reducing the risk of errors, or improving safety, and it's never good enough.

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And after a while, you keep hearing over and over and over and you start to not care. But there are ways to deal with criticism, unjust criticism, because there are types of criticism where you have to really stop and evaluate and determine whether there's some merit to it, whether there's truth to it. But for those types of criticism to have a positive impact, to really bring about a positive change, they need to be given in a spirit of being helpful, not masked as a backhanded slap after receiving a compliment. Today, I'd like to focus on two different aspects of this topic. The first one is when you're on the receiving end of these types of critical judgments, when someone with authority or someone you care a great deal about continually cuts you down, minimizes your feelings or your accomplishments by giving you what should be a positive and a compliment.

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But then they tack in that but or if only to the end of it, because that completely ruins whatever positive you gave them, because the listener is going to hang on to the negative. So when we're on the receiving end of that and someone has just given me a compliment in the workplace, wow, I love the way that you rearranged this stock so that it's easier for people to access, it's less confusing, should be easier to inventory. But I really wish that you had put this one over here instead of there, so all of the good work that I did is gone because I didn't meet this one standard of organizing material the way that the speaker would like it organized. But the speaker doesn't ask a question of, well, what made you decide to organize it that way? To find out if there was logic behind it, the speaker just immediately jumps to the conclusion that their natural thought process and their first instinct for how to organize material would be the better way.

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Well, perhaps I put a lot of thought into it and perhaps I made a decision based on some valid feedback that I received from the people that were involved, the people that would use the changes in the organization that I made. So when you're receiving criticism like that, where it sounds like a compliment, but then there's that backhanded slam, you need to think about the source, is this someone I respect? And even if it's your boss, you don't have to respect that person. You don't have to respect who they are, you don't have to like who they are. Yes, you do need to respect their position and their authority.

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And if they direct you to do something differently, yes, you probably need to do it. But when you have those good bosses, the ones that say, wow, I love the way you organize this, but I'm curious, why did you choose to organize it this way? And then they listen to your answer and they say, okay, I get that, but perhaps, what about this? And they offer their suggestion because then it's a partnership, it's a teamwork, it's adding their knowledge with yours, and then you can reevaluate and determine whether their suggestion has merit. But when all they do is say, well, why didn't you?

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Wouldn't it be better here? It doesn't give you that opportunity to share all of the thought and the time you put into it. And perhaps there was no thought that really went into it because it didn't seem to matter to you. But if someone gives you a reason why a change would be even better, you'll probably consider that and implement it. But it's that partnership, it's that trust of making an idea better rather than cutting down the results you've already achieved.

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So it can be extremely difficult on the receiving end. So the questions you can ask yourself do you respect the person who offered the criticism? And whose problem is it really, if the changes that you've made or the topic that's being criticized really doesn't impact the person offering the criticism? And you know that it makes improvements for whoever is involved, then just kind of discount it. Because as hard as that can be and that's one of the challenges that I have, sometimes their opinion really doesn't matter.

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And sometimes we take actions knowing that it's not going to satisfy the powers that be, our managers, our spouses, even our children. We know that no matter what we do, it's not going to matter. We know that no matter what we do, we are never going to get compliments from them or impress them. It's not in their nature. That's not our problem.

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What we need to continue to focus on are taking those actions and making those changes and those choices that will improve things for the people that are actually directly impacted by whatever changes we're making. Sometimes when people feel threatened by us, they'll start to do those backhanded compliments. They'll be critical because they're feeling threatened by what we're doing, by what we're accomplishing. You have to be honest with yourself. Are you contributing to a power game, to a power struggle?

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Are your intentions honorable intentions? Or are you trying to outshine someone? Now, it's not necessarily bad to try to outshine someone. However, if you're working on something that could be a collaborative effort, but you're leaving that person out, that's on you. And any criticism they might offer might be a little bit justified.

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Some people just don't like to see other people succeed. And so they think that to bolster your confidence, to express gratitude for what you've accomplished, to recognize the creative ideas you've had, it's a threat to them and it lowers their standing. And so it can be a power game and that's a hard one around. Sometimes you just have to recognize that that's probably what it is and make that determination of whether it's worth it or not. However, if you're making changes that will improve the situation for others, I'm always going to encourage you to fight for them, to stand up for them.

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As a production supervisor, that's one of my responsibilities, to look out for my team, to make the job easier for them, to make it safer for them, to increase output for the company. Yes, but the best way for me to do that is to build up my team, to let them know that they are empowered to make the changes that they can. And yes, sometimes they need my guidance or approval to do that because it impacts more than just them. But if we can all work together and recognize each other for the great things that we're doing, life is so much better, work is so much more satisfying. And in my workplace, many times, many days, I have the pleasure of experiencing that when I'm working within my department, within my team.

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But it's only when the ugly stepmother makes her presence known that things get screwy. As if the thought process I had wasn't good enough, so she'll show me that hers is much better because obviously I didn't consider this one point. And she won't stop to listen to the reasons why each of us have made the choices we've made, why we've made the changes we've made. She thinks that everything is kind of a start and stop. She doesn't seem to appreciate or recognize that sometimes you need milestones when you're creating a great change.

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You can't do everything at once. It's too overwhelming, it's too confusing. It's too time consuming. So you pick one step at a time. You do a little bit and it's a little progress.

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You do another step and it's more progress. And she'll get to that point and she'll say, well, why aren't you doing this? Well, we just haven't gotten there yet. But she's not the type of person who listens, who hears when you're saying or even asks what your whole thought process is, what you're hoping to accomplish. She just makes snap judgments, and it drives me crazy.

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And to be honest, it just totally ticks me off. I don't like being on the receiving end of unfair criticism, and I bet you don't either, because it sucks the life right out of you. So I don't even know how to transition out of that little rant because this has been on my mind for quite a while, because it's just so frustrating and so aggravating and it's so unfair. We try to live in a society where we want justice to happen, but I just hate working for her because she SAPS the energy and she sucks the life out of people. Deep breath.

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Dealing with criticism, unfair criticism. One of the things, one of the tools we have is to take deep breaths. So breathe with me now. Breathe in, breathe out. And it's amazing how that really does help.

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So let's take another one. Breathe in and out. I feel better. Thank you for listening to that. The second part of criticism is some of us unintentionally.

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Perhaps it's become part of our pattern. We are guilty of doing just what I talked about. We are guilty of being the givers, the doers of harsh, unfair criticism. So this week, my great challenge to you yes, I'm just calling it a challenge. I'm not even encouraging you.

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I am downright challenging you. I challenge you to listen to how you speak to people, how you give compliments, and whether you ever add but to the end of it or if only anything that's going to reduce the level of compliment that you provided. And that's my challenge to you. Number one, become aware of it. You can be hurting the people you love most by careless words, by thinking that you have to add something to make someone better rather than just accepting them for who they are and what they've already accomplished.

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If you're not recognizing totally and completely in the moment the current situation, the current change, the current whatever, if you are reducing that in any way by saying, but you could always or next time you're hurting that person, no matter what your intentions are, you're hurting that person. And when you do that often enough, people don't even want to see you coming. They don't even want to hear your compliments because they don't mean anything. You know why? Because you're saying one thing that's nice, and then you're cutting them right down to lower than if you hadn't even said anything.

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Being critical is damaging. It's so destructive. It's something that I heard a lot of when I was growing up. I couldn't do things well enough. There was always something better that I could do.

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I was a straight A student, and do you know what I heard from my parents? C's are just as good. So if you didn't spend so much time with your nose in a book, you could do more outside in the garden. That's the type of thing that I heard growing up. Pretty much no matter what I did, there was always something else I could be doing with my time that I could be doing with my brain, that I could be doing with anything.

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It was damaging. It took decades to overcome that. I'm still overcoming it. Don't do that to the people in your life. When you see a girlfriend who is wearing a beautiful dress that brings out the color in her eyes, that you can just tell she feels good in, that's what you tell her.

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You don't mention that it's a little bit too long, it's a little bit too tight across the bust. You don't say anything that's going to take away from the power of your first reaction, which was, wow, you look stunning. She doesn't want to hear it. At that moment that, yeah, if she lost a few pounds or did a few more planks and her stomach was flat rather than a little bit curvy, that that dress would look better. She doesn't want to hear that.

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And if you can't tell her that she looks stunning without telling her that she looks horrible at the same time, don't say anything. I know we've all heard the old saying, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. I'm going to hold you to that. Say something nice. Leave the criticism for another time, because there's definitely an opportunity and a time when giving critical feedback is important.

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It's necessary for growth. But that can be a separate conversation. It can be a private one on one conversation when the moment is right and it's easy to make those moments. We can help each other grow with constructive feedback, but we're only going to tear each other down if we focus on critical judgment. So this week, I encourage you to take a deep breath when you receive unfair criticism.

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Look at the source. Consider whether it's really their problem or whose problem you're trying to solve. Consider whether or not it's some type of a power struggle, what's really going on there, and should their criticism have the impact on you that it does, it's hard to let it go. But as much as possible, do your best. And now for the challenge.

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Pay attention to how you speak to other people. Really pay attention. I challenge you to swallow those butts that you want to offer after giving someone a compliment. Eat crow before you add those helpful comments. To make things even better, just stay in the moment and accept whatever it is that you've experienced that you want to share with the other person.

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Don't add your two cent on what could make it better, what could make it stronger, what could make it faster, or whatever other superhero power you want to provide this person. That's not your role in this moment. In this moment, it's to be supportive, to share your honest compliment, because that's how you started it. You started it to say something nice. Don't change it into something ugly.

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If we lived in a world where people offered compliments without criticism at the end, that's a world where we could all live happily ever after.

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And because this was such a difficult episode for me to record, I do have some links to articles that might help you if you experience unfair criticism, and those will be in my show notes, which you can get@donnadoyon.com 33. Don't accept unfair criticism. Don't take it to heart. Don't let it break you. Take those deep breaths and find a way to surround yourself with people who really want to help you improve, who care about you, and can be sincere when telling you how great you are.

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Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of Reflections of a Recovering Ugly Duckling. If you like what you just heard, I hope you'll stop by my web address, donnadoyon.com. That's Donnadoyon.com for a visit, and feel free to bring along your friends and colleagues. You can listen to past episodes from the podcast tab. The music for this podcast is called Drifting Upstream by Hyson.