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And then I remembered all the times people have hurt my
feelings, claimed they were joking, and told me not to take
things so personally. Some of these teasing comments were
made during my childhood, yet the hurt still lingers to
this day.
For instance, my father always picked on me for my lack of
cooking abilities. I never cared to learn to cook as a
child. I knew how to make peanut butter sandwiches, toast,
and plain spaghetti (I don't like sauce). My sister was the
one who enjoyed helping my mother in the kitchen. Or at
least I assumed she enjoyed it. She helped, I didn't have
to, and it worked for me. But when I did cook something for
myself, my father would make comments.
"Well, look at that," he'd say. "You didn't burn the water
for the spaghetti today," "You better find a husband that
can cook or he'll starve to death," or "Are you sure that's
safe to eat?"
He was only joking, of course. The ironic thing is that my
father has never eaten anything I've cooked. The one time I
prepared a meal for my parents, he chose not to eat it.
That hurt too.
Yet every time I cook a meal, his words haunt me. I don't
invite people over for dinner because I worry that they
will leave hungry and laughing at me. The one or two times
a year that we do have guests, I start each meal with an
apology.
I should know better! I claim to be enlightened in the
field of self-development, acceptance and respect. I help
others recognize and appreciate their unique talents. I
help others get past the hurtful comments that keep them
from moving forward in their lives. Yet, here I am, unable
to get past the hurtful words my father spewed at me.
Because he was only joking.
We have all experienced teasing in our lives. Most days it
is fun and puts a smile on our faces. But sometimes, the
teasing goes too far. Sometimes the jokes get tiresome
because we've heard them too many times. Sometimes they
begin to hurt.
A few days ago I said something hurtful to my son. I didn't
mean it. I really didn't. In fact the incident is one of
those precious stories that a mother replays in her head
over and over again. It would have been a story recounted
to his future wife, or his children. But now it is one that
will remain locked in my heart and memory because to share
it again will certainly cause him pain.
I tell myself that I should have recognized the warning
signs that I'd gone too far. Looking back, they were
visible on his face and in his body language. They were
signs we've all seen, and too often choose to ignore.
For instance, when I was laughing, he gave a phony smile
and laugh. When I added more comments, he just stared at
me. When I asked for his agreement, he dropped his eyes.
When I said, "I was only joking," he let his shoulders
slump, turned his back on me and said, "It wasn't funny."
When I reached for him, to give him a hug, he stood stiffly
in my arms and said, "You hurt my feelings."
How many times do we say things to be funny and instead end
up hurting someone's feelings? Wouldn't the person tell us?
How do we know? Should we stop laughing with each other
when funny things happen in life?
Each situation is unique. But consider whether there is a
pattern to the jokes? Do you say the same things over and
over? Do the same "funny" things happen to the same person?
Could the person become paranoid or self-conscious about
it? These are the situations that have the greater chance
of hurting someone's feelings. These are the comments that
may impact the person for a long time.
Whenever I cook, I hear my father's comments. What comments
do you hear that were said in jest? How do they impact you?
Have you been able to get past them? Now consider the
things you've said to your children, your spouse, your
friends or co-workers. Have you made a lasting impression
on them that may keep them from pursuing their dreams or
fulfilling their potential? Have you teased them about
their greatest talents and undermined their confidence by
doing so? Have you teased them about their greatest fears
making it even harder for them to overcome them?
Laughter can brighten our day and lift our spirits. But the
next time we are laughing with friends, we should look
around and make sure that everyone is enjoying the joke. It
has been said that laughter is the best medicine, but words
said in jest might be as dangerous as an incorrectly filled
prescription.
~~~
Copyright 2002 by Donna Doyon. All rights reserved. You are free to
use material from the A Swan's Song eZine in whole or in part,
as long as you include complete attribution, including live web
site link. Please also notify me where the material will appear.
The attribution should read:
"By Donna Doyon. Please visit Donna's
web site at http://www.donnadoyon.com for additional stories and articles on improving relationships with yourself, your family and the other people in your world."
"Carefree Woman" artwork by Ann Boyajian
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